Married young?

[Note: I posted this earlier, but when I read it over again a few days later, I decided it was a terrible post and didn’t at all say what I meant it to say. This is a revised version that’s a little more on target–my apologies to whoever read the first one!]

I was married at age 22, and marrying my wife was the best decision of my life. I haven’t once regretted it, and I don’t anticipate that I ever will regret marrying my wife. This is in contrast to what people seem to expect when they say things like, “Congratulations, but you look like you’re about 15.” (And yes, that was a comment someone actually made to us–on our honeymoon of all places.)

I imagine that’s the type of person who wrote this New York Times article. It’s a very long article, and rather poorly argued, so don’t read it unless you’re bored. The argument was this: In our current society, people aged 20 to 30 are going through an identity crisis, and they just can’t make up their minds about what they want to do. “Kids” these days are living at home longer, changing jobs madly, getting more education because they can’t find anything else to do, getting married later, etc. Because of this, goes the argument, we should consider 20-something-ness to be a sort of second adolescence, and we should find ways as a society to make it possible for them to travel, explore jobs, stay a little under their parent’s wing, etc. That might be the sentiment people have when they remark that I got married young–my brain just wasn’t well developed enough to make those sorts of decisions!

Now, I think finding ways to further prolong adolescence is a terrible idea. My generation is getting married later, and we’re getting more educated and living at home longer and whatever else. However, this isn’t because we need more time to grow up or develop further. Most of my friends who are living at home don’t want to live at home–they just can’t find a job. And all of my friends who can’t find a job desperately wish they could find a job. Before I started medical school, I worked in the food industry, which isn’t a bad job, but it’s a bad job when you have a college degree. Young adults who move from job to job aren’t doing so by choice; it’s just a little hard to make ends meet.

As for getting married older? Well, most of us are responsible people, and we wouldn’t get married until we can support ourselves, until we’re satisfied enough with our future to be able to plan ahead a bit, and until we’ve met the person we want to spend our life with. (As an aside, I know plenty of people who were married younger than I was, and 22 doesn’t seem young to me at all.) This is something everybody wants to do eventually, but we can’t get married if none of us have jobs. If anything, society needs to make the transition to adulthood easier and quicker, rather than drawing it out longer–the article was just terrible. I sincerely hope you didn’t read it.

For me, marriage has been a way to become more mature and to understand another person in a profound way. Marriage has made me a wiser person, and it continues to make me a wiser person. Things have gone the same way in other parts of my life also–getting a job, paying bills, making a budget work, etc. It’s not that I needed to grow up before I got a job–it’s that I needed to get a job in order to grow up.

I got married because I met the woman I love more than anyone else in the world. I went into it knowing that there would be hard times, and that everything wouldn’t be rosy and happy like it was when we were dating. Armed with the knowledge that arguments, money problems, and even worse things will come, my wife and I are doing just fine. But I certainly have learned a lot. In fact, I think I wouldn’t have learned these lessons unless I got married, meaning that if I waited until I was 35, I would still need to learn the same lessons without being any wiser to begin with.

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4 responses to “Married young?

  1. “the article was just terrible. I sincerely hope you didn’t read it.”

    So I laughed the first time you berated the article. I really laughed the second time. I love you man.

  2. You are absolutely right….I didn’t get married til I was 32…been married for ten years now…and you learn as you go…I am still learning…

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